I kind of wanted to forget this day ever happened. I ignored him and fell back onto the towel and closed my eyes. He was always the first to laugh, to joke right back.Īnd because I felt like rubbing salt in the wound, I said, "You're such an ass**le, Steven." I could tell Steven felt bad, and also confused. Which then made me feel guilty, because why should I be feeding into a crush when Susannah had cancer? Seeing Conrad protective of Jeremiah made me feel this huge surge of love for him-it felt like a wave in my chest washing over me. The two of them never seemed particularly close, but there were times when I saw how well they understood each other, and this was one of them. Jeremiah didn't turn around he just kept walking down the shore. "Jeremiah, are you on your period or something? I was just kidding, man!" Steven called to him. "Steven, quit being dumb," I said, turning to shake my head and roll my eyes with Jeremiah.īut then Jeremiah stood up, brushed sand off his shorts, and started walking toward the water and away from us, away from the house. He started to sing, "Summer lovin', had me a blast, summer lovin', happened so fast. I shrugged him off and told him to shut up again. "Aww, I knew it!" he said, jabbing me in the shoulder. I had never participated, but at that moment I really wanted to. The summer before, the boys had gone through an obsession with pantsing one another in public. I was tempted to pants him just to change the subject. "Did you guys just have your first kiss or something?" he said, shaking water off his trunks and onto my knees. "Nothing," I said, pulling my knees to my chest. It was Steven who said, "What's with you guys?" I guessed Conrad did too, but he didn't say anything. We still weren't saying anything, and Steven noticed. When we got back to our stretch of beach, Conrad and Steven had just come out of the water with their boogie boards. What was there to say? "Sorry your mom has cancer"? "I hope she doesn't lose a boob"? We walked back to the beach, neither of us saying anything. I let go of Jeremiah's hand and stood up. If my mother was cussing, if Susannah was laughing, it would all be fine. Susannah burst out into laughter that sounded like a seal barking, and then she was laughing and crying at the same time. Then my mother said in her most serious, most deadpan voice, "Your boobs really are pretty goddamn amazing." This was the moment when we became true, real friends. He didn't look at me, but he didn't let go either. Instead, I reached over and grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight. I knew it would make him feel better, but I couldn't. And even though we couldn't see them, I knew that my mother was rubbing Susannah's back in wide circles, the same way she did mine when I was upset. I hated it when my mother said that, and I guessed Susannah did too because she said, "Don't tell me what I mean," and I'd never heard her voice like that before- harsh, angry. My mother said, "I know you don't mean that." Jeremiah stopped when he heard Susannah say, "Laur, I hate myself for even thinking this, but I almost think I'd rather die than lose my breast." Jeremiah stopped breathing as he stood there, listening. As we walked up the porch steps, we heard them talking through the window screen. They didn't know that Jeremiah and I had gotten bored and decided to come back to the house for a snack. Our mothers thought we were all at the beach that afternoon. He just kept looking at Susannah and then back at the TV, like he was worried she would vanish into thin air while his back was turned. Throughout all of this, Jeremiah wasn't saying anything. "Or when your best friend does," Susannah said. "When you get breast cancer," my mother told him, exchanging a smile with Susannah, her best friend in the world. "So I guess it's okay with you if I smoke up too?" Steven picked the Twizzler up and dusted it off before popping it into his mouth.
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